How she avoided contracting HIV is a mystery…
Activist, advocate and ally, Pat Bingham, sits with Karl Schmid. Transcript below.
PAT
Throughout all this time, I have been negative, and doctors still have no idea how.
KARL
Hello there, and welcome to Plus+ TALK on +LIFE, where we’re all about turning positive into a plus. Picture this, your parents are HIV positive, you are not. Well, that’s the story and the situation for my guest today, Pat Bingham, you are HIV negative, but you grew up in an HIV positive household. Hi, Pat.
PAT
Hi.
KARL
First of all, I wanna say thank you for the advocacy work that you do. Give us a bit of a background, as I said, your mother is HIV positive, you are not, what was that like?
PAT
So starting from the beginning, my mother conceived what she likes to use as, she likes to call it her illness, she doesn’t like to call it a disease, or a virus, ’cause it feels too negative for her. And so, she contracted this illness, unknowing to her during my conception, and so she only found out around the time where I was born, and my biological sperm donor was then dying. They ran all the tests, and I was negative. They did medication and all of that on me, from the years of age one, age two, is when they do the whole blood workup to make sure that I don’t become positive. And throughout all this time, I have been negative, and doctors still have no idea how, because if you read my story, the medication didn’t come out until nine years after I was born. But my mother does have a pretty, I guess rare case for her, she’s rejected every medication on the list, and so, there’s been this myth, that doctors believe that she’s carrying enough of the virus for two people, because that’s the only way that they can explain, or give some sort of conclusion as to why she is so sick. She also just developed lung cancer because of all the medications and all of that. So yeah, our story is basically just this something that can’t be answered, there’s always a question mark
KARL
Growing up, how do you process that? I mean, obviously at a certain age you’re told the story, and now as, you know, a person of the age that you are now, how do you sort of, you know, put that all together in your head, or do you just not allow yourself to try and analyze it?
PAT
Definitely, for many years, I didn’t try and analyze it, it wasn’t really a conversation that was had, where it was like, “Hey, I have this.” My mother had just gotten really sick, and there was a period of time where they thought, you know, death was going to be near, and that was kind of how I learned more about it. I probably was about 12 or 13, and just hearing that story and seeing my mother sick so quick, it wasn’t something that I was able to process. And so, I rejected it for a long time, I rejected everything that I had to do with it, because it felt like every time she told the story I was like, “Why am I a part of this?,” like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t do anything,” and sometimes she’d be angry with herself. We had a really tough relationship when I was younger, usually mother and daughters have that like bond, but she didn’t have that with me because she was so afraid of what her blood could do to me. So if I ever accidentally scratched her as a kid, she would take the little brush and brush under my fingernails, like brush my skin. She was terrified to almost touch me, almost share anything with me, because she thought she could spread it in any of those ways. Because again, she never took any medication, she had no idea anything about being HIV positive, or AIDS, or anything like that. And so, it coming out in my conception, it almost played a role in our family for a while as this like, I was the, quote, unquote, “mistake baby”, she doesn’t ever say it like that-
KARL
My mother told me I was a mistake.
PAT
Yes.
KARL
Trust me, years of therapy.
PAT
Now she loves it, now she’s like, “Ooh, you’re my only child, that’s like getting this masters and advocating.# And I’m like, “Yes, I have you to the end, you have me, it’s not in vain.”
KARL
But what’s the turning point for you? Because I imagine, as a 12 year old, you’re coping with that, you’re going to school, you’re being an adolescent, how do you deal with that? And then, is it a sort of a family kept secret, or did people know? Because we know about the stigma and the shame with HIV. How did you, or how have you in the past, or how do you, process the stigma that comes, probably directed just as much at you as your mother?
PAT
Mm-hmm. I think what really got me to the point of becoming an advocate, and really processing it, was me realizing my own identity in the LGBTQ+ community, and then learning more about my community, and hearing how stigmatized HIV is with gay males, and just the queer community in general. And so, it just felt like I finally felt connected to the HIV and AIDS community, being LGBT, and then also being, you know, the affected child of two parents. And so, there finally was that in between of like, I can do something about this, I can speak about it, because it’s impacting two of my communities, my home life, and the person I want to be. You know? Who I am.
KARL
So how do you speak about it? How do you inform people? Because there are a lot of still adults out there, mostly adults actually, who still think this is a white gay man’s thing, and that it doesn’t happen to women, and that if it does, you’re a promiscuous slut or a drug user. How do you go about changing that story, within your community and people you encounter?
PAT
I would say, in any environment that I’m working in, so I work with queer high schoolers from time to time, running their pride clubs, like after school, and I always try and make a point to explain different things about safe sex with them, because they’re exploring. I won’t necessarily go in depth and be like, “Hey, take this medication,” ’cause they’re still minors, so there are certain things that I have to work my way around. But in the college atmosphere, I get asked quite a bit to speak to different classes. There’s a history class over at Central Connecticut State University, where it’s the history of AIDS, and I get asked to speak to the classroom about my own experiences, because there’s many students in that class who believe, “You can’t catch HIV, you can’t have AIDS anymore, there’s medication for that.” And a lot of students don’t understand that you can have an issue like my mother, and none of the medications will work for you. It really just depends on the person, and safe sex, and knowing your status, and speaking with your primary care, and just being safe in every way you can, is like the only way we’re going to, somehow, besides a cure, put an end to this, you know, pandemic, which people still aren’t making it a forefront, and I feel like it needs to be.
KARL
Yeah, and part of that is, I think, just because we don’t like talking about sex, or sexuality. Or, you know, drug use. These are taboo subjects.
PAT
But I basically come into the classroom, my mother lets me bring in like her medication, I put it behind Ziploc bags, I usually wear gloves, I don’t let any of the students touch it, because any little cold or anything my mom can catch really easily. And by the end of my talk, they’re usually always just sitting there, and they’re kind of like shocked, ’cause they don’t expect someone who looks like their age experiencing something like this. And so, I think going to those classrooms has definitely helped those students, at least, there’s usually like 25 to 30 in a classroom, and so I’ll see them on campus, and they’re just like, “Hey, thanks for that again, or, “Hey, oh my god,” you know? And so, even just talking to one person will hopefully open up their eyes that anyone can have this, straight, gay, black, brown, yellow, purple.
KARL
What’s the most important thing you want people to understand about HIV?
PAT
To not be afraid to speak up.
KARL
Listen, you are the definition of, you know, turning positive into a plus, really, and that’s what we’re all about on +LIFE. Pat Bingham, thank you so much for the time, and for sharing your story, and for all the fantastic work you do, I really appreciate it.
PAT
Thank you so much.
KARL
If you want more information about what we’ve talked about today, visit the website pluslifemedia.com. And don’t forget, you can follow us across social media, we are @pluslifemedia. Until next time, be nice to one another, be kind to one another, we’ll see you soon.