His partner is + and he doesn’t care…

Beau Johnson sits with Karl Schmid to discuss his serodiscordant relationship. Transcript below.

BEAU
I don’t think about it in his health whatsoever.

KARL
Hello there, welcome to “+Talk” on +Life. We’re all about turning positive into a plus. So what’s it like if you’re HIV negative, but you’re in love with someone who’s HIV positive? Well, in this day and age it shouldn’t really matter. And for my guest today, Beau Johnson, I don’t think it does. Hey Beau, good to see you.

BEAU
Good to see you too, Karl.

KARL
So we are talking serodiscordant couples, or in layman’s term, he’s negative, I’m positive, or in this case he’s positive, I’m negative for you. Let’s go back before the relationship before, ’cause you know you’ve been sort of seeing men for the last 10 years, pre that what did HIV mean to you or look like to you?

BEAU
Besides, you know, reading and movies I didn’t really have personal experience, so I had no context to go on when I started dating men in my late twenties, I, that was a whole new, you know, community to dive into and learn so much about that I hadn’t been restricted but I also hadn’t been faced with HIV personally, until I ended up dating someone who ended up being positive which I found out later on.

KARL
So in your quote unquote straight days, I guess we can say, in your mind HIV wasn’t really something you had to, you thought you, you need to think about, right?

BEAU
Absolutely, the only thing I thought about was pregnancy. That was the only thing I ever thought about, was being careful and using protection in those terms, but HIV was never on my radar at all.

KARL
Interesting, and fast forward to today, you’re in a very well established, committed relationship with someone who is HIV positive, undetectable. Looking back and knowing what you know now about HIV what do you think about that? ‘Cause I mean, clearly HIV affects everybody, straight, gay, white, Black, trans, Asian, whatever, right?

BEAU
Correct, educating myself actually, before I had even dated the person who was positive. I would like to think of myself as educated enough and like to be aware of things that are going on in the world. So I had known enough to have the background to have some kind of say I suppose. And when it actually came out to my father, he, you know ridiculed me and the first thing he said was “You’re gonna get HIV and die.” That was the first thing he said to me when I came out to him and quickly I said, You know, it’s funny interestingly enough it could happen to, my stepmother’s Black, and I said, “Funny enough it could actually be prominent in your own community.” That was the first thing I said and I don’t even know where, how that came about or where I just was so quick in my mind. But I guess I felt the stigma from the moment I said I was gay, you know from the first person I told who was my own parent. So I think after that it kind of kept me open and honest to be able to have the conversations with people around me. And thankfully being in this community, I was so taken in by so many people, I lived in New York for 13 years and I had so many great pieces of information and people around me who could educate me. And when I started making sure I did routine checkups at my doctor, things like that it just started becoming part of the conversation. It became very normalized, but I still had yet to have that personal experience. Which of course can hit very differently. When I started dating the person who was positive that was a conversation I had to have with friends of mine because even I didn’t realize with all the education, all the things I knew and what I had experienced or talked about, I didn’t actually have it at my front door. And when I was faced with it I immediately had my own stigma and I didn’t even realize that that would be something I would have. And my friend had educated me, he said, “You know, you’re kind of a hypocrite because you should know better and people who are positive actually take care of themselves much better than you and I probably do.” And it really opened my mind completely.

KARL
Yeah, it’s funny you say that about your father. I had a similar sort of experience with my mother. She was like, “I can accept you, being gay, that’s fine.” But she said, “but please don’t go and get AIDS.” Those were her words sort of pretty much when I came out to her. And it’s interesting that you say what you say. That your friends said to you at the time, you know, you’re better off being with an HIV positive person because they know what’s going on with their body. And again, very similar to a personal experience. I remember having to break the news of my diagnosis you know, within 24 hours to the person I was seeing, who I loved. And I remember using that exact same language saying “At least you know what the deal is with me.” But it takes a lot to get over. How did you, and again, educated all that you are, friends telling you what they’re telling you science saying what it is, but having 28 years of life where the world told you the complete opposite. How do you let go of that fear? How do you let it go and let yourself into a relationship, an intimate relationship, with all that history of what we’re told.

BEAU
For the person I was seeing, it was very casual dating. It wasn’t a serious relationship like I’m in now. So I’m sure that was kind of dipping my toe, if we will respectfully. And it was never a conversation that we personally ever had. So I think I automatically, I had the floor, of course, to have the conversation if I wanted to but because it wasn’t a part of the daily conversation, I, in case just became normalized to it myself and didn’t put any thought into it. As long as I was routinely checking up on myself and taking care of my own health, which I think is our own responsibility. And my same friend said that, he said “It’s your responsibility to take care of your body. It’s not someone else’s.” So through that, and my own education and my own, you know, like I said circles, it was a very normalized thing and I think having that first experience, everything that came after that when it came to dating wasn’t an extra added thought or stress. For me it was just about the personal relationship and what we’re doing together and what our dynamic is. It was about the sympathy and the vulnerability and the general relationship aspect and it wasn’t about a health stigma.

KARL
Interesting you say that ’cause I mean, I myself remember being HIV negative and having encounters with HIV positive people and you know, they, I certainly didn’t handle it well. I didn’t deal with it well, and it really probably wasn’t until I became HIV positive, then had no choice. But you know, we all like to think we were better people but I certainly wasn’t and HIV changed my life in that regard. When you, when you, you know, you’re quite open, I mean honest about your situation which I think is fantastic from an advocacy point of view but do you ever, or have you gotten pushback from family or from friends even today in your current situation, people who are uneducated, and how do you deal with that when it does arise?

BEAU
No, it’s at this point I’ll be 40 in a year. So I’ve had enough life experience behind me and even though I still feel like a kid, you know I’m very much on my own. So it’s not something that I bring attention to. So I think that people around me know my heart and know who I am at my core and I’ve never changed and other people I’ve grown up with have known me my whole life. So just saying who I’m dating and what they do for a living is just a general conversation like anyone else. And you know, I, if I had never had that first experience I’m sure like many things in life, I would’ve probably kept having that issue or thought process of not knowing. But being with Raif, it’s so funny because it is not even a, I forget that is the point. Like it’s what he does for a living and it’s his advocacy work, but to me it just feels like his job. I don’t think about it in his health whatsoever, except things like when I contracted COVID, which unfortunately I have again right now, you know taking care of that extra step to make sure that he is safe and his health is a priority for me. That’s how I show my, you know, my concern and my love is I take those extra steps to make sure that he feels safe and his health is, you know, first and foremost.

KARL
Yeah, and I should point out, we’re talking about the wonderful Raif Derrazi who is +Life’s very own fitness guru. So that, when we talk about Raif casually, that’s who we’re talking about. Has being with Raif and knowing because he does take such good care of himself and he is healthy and undetectable and the way he takes care of himself. Has that changed how you personally take care of your own health and how you’ve looked at whether it’s, you know, I should go see the doctor twice a year for an annual checkup, and I should see the dentist a few times a year because oral health, like do you look at the way, do you treat your own health differently now because of this situation?

BEAU
Yes, there’s no stigma behind it, but knowing how much he values and takes care of his health is, especially living together for almost three years, it’s a direct effect on me, of course I see it every day and I tell him him constantly how much of an inspiration it is for me because I’m someone who worries about more about others more than myself, which I’m sure a lot of people do. So it really forces me to look at myself and see him and how he takes care of himself in his every day that I too have to, you know care and love myself just as much, whether I’m detectable or I’m not.

KARL
So what would you say to people out there, and there are plenty of them, and there are plenty of them in the gay community, especially gay men who have heard about U=U and you know, know and maybe even take, maybe are even on PrEP, you know and are taking the right precautionary measures but still have that wall that goes up whether it’s on the online dating apps or whatever, where they say things like, you know “I’m clean, UB2” or “Are you clean?” and then they find out someone’s HIV positive and they pull back. What words of encouragement would you have for them about perhaps changing that perspective based on everything we know about HIV in this day and age?

BEAU
I think to be open because you can, like I did I can read a million pamphlets and talk to my doctor and watch a movie about HIV, but until it’s in my front door and I’m dating someone or open to the vulnerability of being with someone and then finding out if they disclose that they’re HIV positive, why should that stop me? I, it didn’t stop me the first time and thank God I had that open perspective and mindset ’cause I like to think growing up in a very small town as much as people stigmatize that that closes your what, it actually makes me a very open person to people. That when I met Raif for example, there was no way I was going to not pursue dating him, just because I knew he had, he was positive. That was not even a second thought. So I think being out and dating and thinking about the days when I was single thank God that I had people in my life that educated me. And I think if you are one of those people that has had that experience, it sounds forthcoming and maybe on a soapbox, but I, since I’ve been in this community I’m still learning so much, it’s only been 10 years, but I just feel like it is our duty and our job to educate ourselves and educate each other. I don’t, I don’t foresee that I know everything. I definitely don’t think that, but I think to be in a room or a bar or a situation with friends or people even around me, ’cause I, the one thing I’ve gained from being in the gay community is I feel like we all have some kinship and some weird way. So I feel-

KARL
Yeah, community.

BEAU
Yes, we have this open vulnerability to be able to have the conversation. So I might not know somebody, but if I hear a table or two over someone having a conversation, I again, would not be on a soapbox but I would like to think we could have a conversation of, ’cause we educate straight people about a lot of things why can’t we educate each other? You know, it should be an open dialogue conversation which all bases around. There should be no stigma. Thank God we’re in a generation where we’re not dying because of it, thank God.

KARL
Yeah, exactly. And then, I mean we’re in a generation where this thing could be gone in 10 years but it’s that dreaded word stigma that surrounds us. And whether it’s criminalization laws that we’ve talked about recently or lack of access that is a big issue here in the United States for people of testing and and things like that. The stigma persists. Well, Beau, we certainly appreciate it and thank you very much for your candidness and your honesty. It’s been great chatting to you.

BEAU
Thanks Karl.

KARL
That is gonna do it for this episode of “+Talk,” if you want to know more about Beau’s story or check out even his boyfriend Raif, our very own Raif, go to the website pluslifemedia.com and remember you can follow us across social media platforms we are @pluslifemedia. Until next time, wash your hands. Be nice. We’ll see you soon.