You need to put yourself first!

Licensed psychotherapist and CEO/Founder of Queer Works, Jacob Rostovsky, sits in for Mental Health Awareness month to discuss overcoming stigma, and the importance of being good to yourself.

Queerworks can be found here.

The following is a transcript of the conversation between Karl and Jacob.

JACOB
This happened to me, but this doesn’t make who I am.

KARL
Welcome to “+Talk” on Plus Life. We’re all about turning positive into a plus and today we’re talking mental health, since it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. Our guest, Jacob Rostovsky, have I said it right?

JACOB
Yes, that’s it.

KARL
Oh, it’s a mouthful, but I’m glad I got it. Thank you for joining us. You are a licensed psychotherapist, CEO and founder of Queer Works and you’re also a friend of Plus Life, so we’re always happy to have you here.

JACOB
I am so happy to be back, thank you.

KARL
I didn’t know this, but Mental Health Awareness Month has been observed in this country since 1949. It feels like mental health, though, is something we’re all talking a lot more about these days, doesn’t it?

JACOB
Yeah, I truly believe it has to do with social media, especially TikTok and just the younger generation. We’re just embracing mental health awareness.

KARL
And there is a lot of stigma around mental health and obviously a lot of stigma around HIV. So I want to just dive in. You know, getting an HIV diagnosis is earth shattering, no matter how old you are or where you’re at in your life. There’s a lot of information that comes at you at once, Jacob. In your role as a psychotherapist, what are some of the tools that you use when you sit down with someone who’s newly diagnosed who goes, “That’s it, life is over. “I might as well jump off a bridge.”

JACOB
You know, that’s a great question. A lot of times the clients come to me and they come to my colleagues thinking, “That’s it,” right, like you said, “There’s nothing left for me.” Or what I’m seeing a lot more now is shame around what they call contracting the virus, because there’s so many medications out there like PrEP, right? So people think, “I got this. “It must be my fault.” Like, “Why me?” And I really just say, “Listen, take a breath, “breathe and it’s time to grieve “this idea that you had of how your life will be, “and now you get to plan and start over “and create a whole new narrative for yourself.”

KARL
That’s really interesting that there’s a shame, like “I screwed up.”

JACOB
Yeah, that’s the common thing. You know, the narrative is not so much my life is over because we have medications that prolong life, right? We know you equals you. You can live a full healthy life. What I see is all this self-blame. And so what I really love to do is just stop and focus on getting away from this narrative of it’s my fault to, okay, this happened to me, but this doesn’t make who I am. And that’s really what we’re seeing therapy focus on now around HIV.

KARL
We’re all different. Grief appears in us in very different ways. What are some of the key ideas in dealing with that initial grief that you recommend for people?

JACOB
With an HIV diagnosis, I think it’s a lot different than that. I think it’s what am I feeling in this moment and where do I want to go in the next week, in the next month? And taking it one step at a time and expressing it through art or through if you like to cook or finding something that you can hold onto through your grief process.

KARL
And I think it’s important for people to go, this is gonna take as long as it takes ’cause everyone’s journey is different and just because you might see something on Plus Life or you might know someone else who’s HIV positive or something doesn’t mean you have to be at the same pace. How important is it to allow yourself your time to cope?

JACOB
I think that’s the most important tool that you could possibly have. I could sit here and be like, “Here are our cognitive behavioral methods,” but really it’s allowing patience. I work with people that are continuously going through the grief process ’cause they lost so many people in the early AIDS epidemic, right? They’re just now grieving those friends and that part of themselves. So, there’s no timeframe.

KARL
There are a lot of people who are living with HIV who lived through the horrors and are still here and think, “Why me?” What are some of the steps? How do you suggest we process those kind of emotions, because it’s a PTSD, isn’t it?

JACOB
Yes, your answer is it is PTSD. And so, some of the very first things that we can do is acknowledge what you’re going through is trauma, because the number one diagnostic tool or criteria for PTSD is witnessing an event that threatens your life or having an event that personally threatens your life. How many people have you seen pass away or how many times you thought you were gonna pass away? That’s adding to that trauma. So the very first tool we can do is acknowledge what the client is going through is trauma. And just having that acknowledgement sometimes changes everything for that person.

KARL
Often when I get sad or I’m in a funk about something, very well-intentioned, well-meaning people go, “Look at your wonderful life, look how great it is. “Look, you’re healthy and you’ve got Plus Life “and you’ve got Gus and look at all you see,” and almost in a way it makes me go, “Then why am I feeling so” “I must be a bad person.” And I know they’re meaning well, but is that necessarily always the best thing to say to somebody who is going through something?

JACOB
No, I feel like that’s the most invalidating thing you could possibly do to somebody. It doesn’t matter what someone’s going through. That could be the most catastrophic thing that’s ever happened to them. Even to me that might be like a tiny little blip in life, right? So the best possible thing you could do, especially for someone who’s either newly diagnosed or coming out and saying, “Listen, I’m a long-term survivor “and I’m still feeling these ways,” is to say, “How can I best support you?” And another one I learned, and this really works if you’re in a relationship, as well, is “Do you want me to help you solve the problem “or do you want me to just listen “to you talk about the problem?” Those options that you give to the person who’s experiencing the trauma, simply the person can say, “You know what? “All I really want is for you to help me make a sandwich. “I haven’t eaten in three days.” Great, let’s go, let’s go to Subway. My treat.

KARL
Some key resources in the few minutes we’ve got left.

JACOB
Sure.

KARL
That you would recommend for people who are newly diagnosed or people who are living with HIV for a long time.

JACOB
Yeah, So this helps with both. So, I would definitely seek out a support group, but here’s one that I would kind of recommend is outside of the area in which you live. So if you could drive like 10, 15 miles to a support group with people you might not know, that’s actually a lot more freeing sometimes. Go outside of your normal hangouts. For long-term survivors, I would definitely look up this organization called Let’s Kick ASS. It’s AIDS Survivor Syndrome and it’s specifically an organization focused to make people who have, long-term survivors hang out and get to know each other and like go to lunch and have community, ’cause we know that that’s actually one of the rapidly growing populations suffering with depression and isolation.

KARL
We could go on and on about this ’cause especially aging with HIV and the idea of loneliness and feeling like I lost everyone around me, I don’t have any family, I’m gonna die alone, can be equally as traumatic as I’ve got HIV. I’m going to die or how did I screw up?

JACOB
It’s post-traumatic stress, right? Like minority stress, there’s no timeline for how fast you can feel these feelings, right? So you could have never felt these feelings and now 40 years later they’re coming up, right? So, you’re right, it’s a lot of similarities. I’d also suggest that if you’re, I’m biased, ’cause I’m a therapist, but therapy is a really great tool and you don’t necessarily have to go to therapy because you want to talk about your diagnosis, but going to a therapist that understands what that diagnosis means helps to take shame out of the room. I’m working on creating some stuff around that and I’ll update you once all that.

KARL
And that’s through Queer Works, right?

JACOB
So I have Queer Works, which is our low-cost mental health organization, but we’re also creating called the Association of LGBTQ Affirmative Therapists. It’s a mouthful, ALAT. Where it’s you can go on and find a therapist who fits exactly your specific niches. So, I’ll send you some info on that once it’s published.

KARL
And we’ll get all of that put up on the website. Jacob, there’s never enough time. It’s so good to see you. Thank you for coming and joining us in our lovely new home.

JACOB
Yeah, I just came for Gus, obviously.

KARL
Well, I mean that’s always the way, that’s always. That is gonna do it for this episode of “+Talk”. We’re gonna put all those resources that Jacob talked about up on the website, so you want to check it out. It is pluslifemedia.com, pluslifemedia.com and we will also encourage you to follow us across social media platforms @PlusLifeMedia. Again, we’ll have all links and bits and pieces, everything we’ve talked about and we’ll keep you updated with all the great work Jacob is doing, as well. Until next time, be nice to one another and it’s okay to have a cry. See ya.