“I don’t know whether I would have employed someone who had #HIV.”
@KarlJSchmid‘s father, Helmut joins him and opens up about his initial thoughts on #HIV and how Karl’s diagnosis changed everything when it came to his views on #HIV and more.
The following is a transcript of the conversation between Karl and Helmut.
HELMUT
I don’t know whether I would’ve employed somebody that had HIV.
KARL
Hello there. Welcome to plus talk on plus life where we’re all about turning positive into a plus. Today I’m joined by my father who has traveled across the Pacific Ocean and we’re gonna talk about your experience. Welcome dad.
HELMUT
Welcome to me.
KARL
It’s therapy and you’ve got Gus with you. So you’re in good company.
HELMUT
Yes. He’s, he’s calmed me down.
KARL
But what’s it like when a son tells his dad he’s HIV positive?
HELMUT
It was a real punch in the gut. It was unbelievable. It took the wind out of me. It made me feel
KARL
Loss for words. What did you know about HIV pre becoming so engulfed in it?
HELMUT
Well, I certainly knew a relatively amount as it was in the days prior to being educated. You being gay made us more aware of the fact that there’s HIV out there. And medicine I think had already caught up. I think medicine, it wasn’t a problem in terms of that I was worried about your life. I was more worried about how you were going to cope with it. After I got over that horrible shock of having my son have HIV and having time to think about it, it was then a case of how can I support Karl? That was really the point.
KARL
To go back before I disclosed my status to you. What kind of conversations did you and mom have, obviously out of my earshot? As you said, you got a gay son who’s in his twenties living in London at the time and you were obviously you’re aware of HIV. What kind of conversations were you two having? Were you ever like, gosh, I hope he’s being careful, or what would we ever do if our son came to us? Did you ever have any of those kind of chats?
HELMUT
Well, I’m sure we did and we did speak about what would happen and what would we do or how would we handle it. And it was a difficult question because I don’t think we ever actually answered it ourselves. So when it came, we hadn’t any pre solution to it or any pre way of handling it.
KARL
So when I hung up off the Skype call and it was just you two sitting there together. And I think my grandmother was there. Do you remember what the conversation was or what happened immediately after that Skype call?
HELMUT
I think it was hugs. It was hugs and there was tears and what are we going to do? The concentration was on how can we help you? It was probably, we were worried about your mental state more than your health state.
KARL
What about, and you can be really honest, what about a disappointment ‘cuz I think, you’ve heard me talk about how when I got the news I thought how could I do this to my mom and dad? How could I do this to my parents? Was there any part of you that went, God, he really went and up, didn’t he?
HELMUT
Not at all. Not at all. That never entered my mind and I’m positive it never entered mum’s mind neither. Not once did we think there was a disappointment or on that aspect it was never. It was more the love that we felt for you, really. And how do we help? How do we help our boy?
KARL
Forget helping me. How did you help you in those moments?
HELMUT
On the emotional side initially I handled it very well in terms of
KARL
You don’t think you did?
HELMUT
No, I don’t think I did.
KARL
Why?
HELMUT
Because I had no control on how to help you. I was helpless. That was my biggest way but there was never any feeling of disappointment. Absolutely not. And how did I cope with it as we went along? I have to say, I have to give you mother more credit than I probably gave her at the time. She helped me a lot with it and she helped me to talk about it to other people where I probably wanted to keep it within myself and just try to work it out.
KARL
Why did you want to keep it within yourself? Was there, and again, you can be really honest, was there an element of shame? I mean, I felt shame and I remember saying to you, look, this is not for public broadcast. We don’t need to tell all the cousins and the aunts and everybody right away. Please can we just until we get a grip of what we do. And a part of that was shame. I mean that is a huge part of living with HIV and the stigma that causes us to feel shame. Wasn’t there any of that as a parent that,
HELMUT
No, absolutely not.
KARL
Not even like, how do I tell my mates when we go, my bike riding mates when we go and have coffee or whatever, you know, oh, my gay son’s now got HIV.
HELMUT
I have to say that I had the discussion with your mum on how I was gonna handle it and that’s how she helped me. She said, you know, just be open about it. I can’t say there was shame. There was an element of how would I tell my mother or how would I tell my sisters? What are they going to think about you? More that than any shame. But, mum made me realize very, very quickly and in fact I went to the office. I think it was the next day and I sat down with my boss at the time and discussed it with him and he was fantastic.
KARL
What’s that conversation like?
HELMUT
Well it was a difficult conversation. His wife was a board member as well and I sat in the office and I cried and I explained what had happened and I didn’t know how to handle it. And I was gonna struggle with my job but they were fantastic and that helped for the next stage to tell the next lot of people.
KARL
And then you and I, to set the scene a little bit, I was living in London and you were, I think living in Fiji still but the next time we saw each other was you and I we met up in Indonesia and had some time together. On that plane ride to Indonesia for you, what’s going through your mind when you, we’ve had lots of conversations and we’ve had lots of Skype meetings and talking. We live in the age of Zoom right now but because my family is so international, we’ve been living in the Zoom/Skype world for the last 20 years. So we are used to that. But what’s going through your mind when you are going to see me in person for the first time? Were you worried about saying the right thing or doing the right thing? Or was there confusion? What was that like?
HELMUT
It, yeah, so we had talked on the phone beforehand. Initially, I think you were a little bit reluctant on doing this trip, but it was important that we do that. But on the trip over, I had apprehensions in terms of how to handle and how to cope more so with your emotions and my emotions and make sure that I didn’t put my foot in it the wrong way and that the trip would turn out the way we would hope it turned out. But it was an emotional rollercoaster ride. It was like a turbulent flight all the way over there.
KARL
So I was 27 when I was diagnosed, a young man really at the start of his life. What does it feel like as a parent when, obviously it’s different now, but to think what’s life gonna be like for our son? I guess that was a big part of it.
HELMUT
Absolutely. Absolutely.
KARL
Was your biggest fear in that element
HELMUT
In that biggest fear was, or one of the big fears was that what would happen? I mean, you were very outgoing, you had a relatively good job in London. My fear was was there gonna be discrimination? Will you lose your job over it? Will somebody quietly say, please go. And that was really, and how would you cope with that? You saw yourself in this industry from a little boy and the concern was, how are you gonna cope with the fact that you may not get work?
KARL
And then, here we are 15 odd years later and it has not been an easy journey. Selfishly on my part. When you’ve had to experience the incredible lows that I have gone through, some of the self-destructive things I’ve done to myself. What’s that like as a father and how have you coped with that?
HELMUT
Okay. And with the help of your mother how have I coped with that? I think it’s a parent’s instinct. If you have a love for a child and your love for your son, you have to go with it. There’s no alternative. So you have to look at the positives and although it was difficult at times, very difficult at times, tears, sleepless nights. But as a parent, you have to be there for your children. And that’s not a forced thing. It’s just natural.
KARL
What about, what have you learned? I mean I know you’ve learned a lot, I’ve learned a lot, mum’s learned a lot as a family. I think I’m very lucky that I have the family that I do. ‘Cuz it’s probably, and sad to say the exception to the rule because a lot of people don’t, or a lot of people feel that they don’t have that support. How has your opinion on HIV changed in the last 15 years through all of this
HELMUT
Enormously. It not only HIV, you educated us in many areas. I was like a lot of people, fairly conservative in my outlook in terms of homosexuality, in terms of HIV and the way we were educated in the movies with The Grim Reaper,
KARL
Yeah.
HELMUT
I think it was called. And I often question myself now that I was employing people and at the time, I don’t know whether I would have employed somebody that had HIV. And I’m embarrassed to say that but that’s how it was. And so I’ve learned that it’s not the horrible disease that was put to us in the propaganda form I feel now. People live a healthy life and I’ll watch you and we’re proud of you and we love you. And
KARL
Well thank you for chatting and being so open and honest. That’s gonna do it for this episode of Plus Talk. If you want more information, check out our website; pluslifemedia.com. And remember, you can follow Plus life across social media platforms. We are at Plus life media on all of them. Until next time, be nice. Tell your dad you love him. I love you dad.
HELMUT
Thank you and I love you.
KARL
We’ll see you soon. Bye-Bye.