“We have our pain and we have our trauma” – Raif Derrazi speaks about how he deals with negativity online.

The following is a transcript of the conversation between Karl and Raif.

RAIF
We have our pain and we have our trauma, and a lot of times we allow that to speak for us.

KARL
Hello there, welcome to +TALK on +LIFE, where we’re all about turning positive into a plus. And talking of positivity and being positive, our fitness guru, Raif Derrazi, is joining me today. Hey buddy, how are you?

RAIF
I’m great, how are you?

KARL
I’m well, thank you. We’re gonna talk all things kind of social media today ’cause I think it’s really important for those of us who have decided to live quite publicly and out there, especially on our social media platforms about our HIV status. Sometimes that can come with some pretty negative feedback from people out there, and I thought it would be good to talk about how we deal with maybe some of the more, like, bullying aspects, or negativity when what we’re trying to do is promote positivity and talk about, you know, change how people perceive HIV. You know, not just being our fantastic fitness guru, you do a lot of other great work online, whether it is fitness stuff for other brands, but I would consider you an influencer. You know, you’ve got almost 26,000 followers on Instagram and across your various platforms. First of all, why did you decide to talk about your HIV status on social media?

RAIF
Well, you know, it was important to me, because when I was diagnosed, that’s the first place I went to look for people who look like me, people who were relevant to my life and my experience, and I just wasn’t seeing it. So I asked myself straight up is this something that I’m willing to do? And the answer ultimately obviously was yes because there’s so much value in it. And the response that I got immediately validated all of that. And I knew that, you know, it meant a lot to a lot of people.

KARL
Yeah, I know for both of us, when, you know, we are I think kind of taken aback almost on a daily basis about the amount of great positive feedback we get from what we put up, but also just the sheer personal beautiful messages that we receive from people all around the world sliding into our DMs. But for every 100 fantastic comments, there’s one negative that can really get to you. And you know, I’ve had an experience recently on Twitter where I engaged in this. And for all best intentions of me trying to say, “Look, tell me your point of view, why don’t you come and chat and we can talk about it?” I was really kind of shot down. And I know you’ve had your share of haters. What are some of the things you do to not allow that to get into your head and affect you? Because I think it’s good information for all of us out there.

RAIF
You know, a lot of times it comes down to not engaging and just, it’s always kind of gonna happen in the background, but not paying attention, not giving any energy or focus to it is number one. Number two is to always bring it back down to logic and critical thinking. So many of these arguments that people are making, I wouldn’t even call them arguments. They’re using logical fallacies, rhetoric, generalizations name calling, hyperbole. If you take all that away, if you slough all that off, get down to the core of what they’re saying, a lot of times you can attack that and completely neutralize what it is they’re saying and not take it personally.

KARL
Yeah, I know you say, you know, don’t engage and I get given that very sage advice all the time too, but sometimes it’s really hard not to, especially if you’re in the space like we are as people who wanna talk about U=U, or the positive, it’s the positive sides of being positive. And you can’t help it. You go, “But what you’re saying is just so false and so wrong,” that you do engage. What would you suggest is a good approach? If you feel like, yeah, I just can’t bite my tongue on this, I want to either fact check or stick up for my point of view, what do you suggest are some good ways to approach that without perhaps overly flaming the situation and turning it into a Twitter war or something?

RAIF
Yeah, and when you said one in 100 really gets to you and stings, a lot of times that one in 100 that hurts is coming from within the community, or people who you feel would otherwise support you. And those are the ones that I typically tend to engage with because we want those of us around us on our side, so to speak, to be there supporting us and uplifting us. And so it’s important that we’re on the same page. And so like I said, it just comes down to basics. Using rational levelheadedness, not allowing emotion to kind of come into play or ego. A lot of us, we have our pain and we have our trauma, and a lot of times we allow that to speak for us. And when we do that, it might not be the most constructive way of making an argument. So it’s about being level-headed, objective, employing empathy, understanding that we all have our own individual wants, needs and desires, and they’re gonna come into conflict because we are all uniquely different. So inherently, what it means to be in a democracy is to have discourse and debate with respect and to be able to compromise at the end of the day. Our democracy in the US would not exist without those things.

KARL
Yeah, and I think you use a great word there, well several words: dignity, respect, and compromise. I say it all the time, we don’t have to agree. Sometimes it’s good that we don’t because maybe when you walk away from the table or the disagreement, you think, “Oh, hang on I never actually, that person has a point that I didn’t think of, wow,” and you have time to digest it. Maybe another good suggestion is, you know, and I’ve gotta learn this, is not to hit Send or Publish as soon as my string of thoughts has finished, right?

RAIF
Yeah, I agree. Sometimes just taking a step away for a moment, letting things digest, and that’s when you can really allow. I mean, we just talk about it in interpersonal relationships with our friends, our loved ones. When you’re in the heat of the moment, sometimes you’re like, “I just need 10, let me come back.” Let the emotion, let the bubbles simmer a little bit out and then come back, and usually by then, you have a little bit more of a level head.

KARL
And then do you feel a responsibility as someone in your position, especially because you’re so outspoken on matters of HIV and stigma to when you, you know, even if perhaps you don’t have some sort of back and forth engagement with someone, but you see somebody saying something really negative or really, like, scientifically and factually incorrect, do you feel a responsibility to chime in all the time? Or how do you judge when it’s a good time to say, “Hang on a second buddy,” or go, “Ah, let the wackadoodle go”?

RAIF
Yeah, a lot of times a big factor for me is knowing who the audience is. If I know that someone is speaking within a silo of people who all think the same way and their minds are made up and that’s that, then you’re really just walking into the fire for just the sake of getting burned. But if you know that there are people watching, listening, reading who might have their opinion swayed, then I think it is important to counter disinformation and present an argument that is reasonable and coherent.

KARL
And in the last couple of seconds I’ve got you, what would you say to somebody who is thinking themselves, you know, they’re living with HIV and they’re thinking, “Boy, maybe I wanna share my story.” Should I do it on social media? Is that the smartest way to put it out there in the world? Or are there other ways? What would you suggest to those people who are thinking about doing it?

RAIF
There’s definitely not one right answer. It’s definitely a deeply personal question that you have to ask yourself. And you also have to consider things like how thick is your skin, how are you able to tolerate that kind of potential negativity on social media, and also in your real life, in your social situations, where you live, will it put you in immediate danger? That’s a very present reality for a lot of folks living around the world.

KARL
Yeah, well you’ve brought up some great points, but I think, you know, at the end of the day, I think we’re both in unique positions that we are able to use our voices and our platforms to help inform and educate people on HIV. Not only are you our fitness guru, but your a steady guide at all times, especially to me when it comes to matters of social media. Raif Derrazi, thank you so much.

RAIF
Thank you.

KARL
That’s gonna do it for this episode of +TALK on +LIFE. If you want more information, check out our website pluslifemedia.com. And remember to follow us across all social media platforms. We are @pluslifemedia. Until next time, take a moment to be nice to one another, even on social media. We’ll see you soon.