What is chemsex, how does trauma play into addiction, self destruction, and how does one find a way back to self love. Karl sits with trauma focused substance abuse counselor, Mell McCracken.
The following is a transcript between Mell and Karl.
MELL
The meth these days is, I wanna call it instant crazy.
KARL
Hello there. Welcome to plus talk on plus life, where we’re all about turning positive into a plus Chemsex PNP. Hi, fun party and play. What is it? What does it mean and how does it affect those of us living with HIV? Joining me today in the Plus Life studio is Mell McCracken. You are a trauma focused, substance abuse counselor and chemsex expert.
MELL
I, I suppose, yes. I suppose,
KARL
Yeah. Thank you for joining me. Yeah. This is a really important topic. Yeah. What is chemsex? What is PNP? What is Hi fun. Well,
MELL
Hi fun. PNP, it, it means party and play sexualized drug use. When I think about chemsex, I think about, you know, coffee and cigarettes, right? If you use two things together concurrently over a period of time, they kind of marry and they fuse together in the mind, and it becomes one thing, chemsex.
KARL
And now is chemsex just relating to the use of methamphetamines and sort of GHB? Or can it literally refer to marijuana and some of the things that we think are less of the bad drugs?
MELL
Absolutely. If there, if there’s any chemicals used to facilitate any sort of sexual setting, whether it’s, you know, to alleviate anxieties or fears. So you may take, you know, more alcohol than normal. That is also chemsex predominantly in our community, it’s methamphetamine and GHB.
KARL
So studies show that folks living with HIV, and I touched on this just a second ago. Those of us living with HIV, in particular, men who have sex with men. Yeah. People like myself, we can turn to substances like meth and other chemicals, especially when it comes to sex and intimacy. Why do you think we’re doing that, Mel?
MELL
Well, I think that there’s a lot of unresolved trauma in our community. And I think it’s a way to bypass shame that one may, toxic shame, maybe growing up in a religious environment, parental figures, disapproval, self-esteem, right? And lack of confidence and sex and intimacy, I think in our community are something that are compartmentalized in a lot of ways. I think about the adolescent experience of being a queer person. I’m a queer person. I never had that integration in my adolescent years in high school. I never took anyone to prom. I could never tell anyone who I had a crush on because it wasn’t out. So all of my secretive behaviors around sexuality started to happen in adolescents in high school, but I had intimate friendships. So these two things were completely separate. And I think the same goes around chemsex, which is, I don’t know how to be close to someone. I don’t know what it means to have intimacy with another person, because those two things were never integrated, which is a big part of the recovery process.
KARL
Yeah. And you, you touch on an interesting point there, which leads to one of my questions, which is, you know, what roles do those does living with multiple intersecting stigmatization identities? You pointed out being queer people who might already use substance, right? And then you put in HIV, right? So, you know, someone like myself, I, I’m living with HIV I’ve had all that internalized stigma. Yeah. You talk about it can be difficult for intimacy because of compartmentalizing, and then you throw in doing some drugs. ’cause it makes me feel good. Well, this intersectionality is, is a key part of this, isn’t it?
MELL
Absolutely. Because specifically around meth, meth operates in a way of dissolving emotional consciousness. So if I have any unresolved emotional material or baggage, you know, that I’ve been carrying and I haven’t really worked through, I use something like meth and it’s gone, and my inhibitions are gone, and I’m able to actually be my full sexual self. So they really kind of facilitate an opening for sex and sexuality for a lot of people.
KARL
Now, you could flip that and go, wow, that actually sounds great. You know, I’m uptight. I, I I, I am deeply battling internalized stigma. I am insecure about how I look and how I feel. That’s right. Wow. There’s a substance. This, I can do this thing and it’s gonna make me feel all of those things. Right. Until it doesn’t.
MELL
Until it doesn’t. Yeah. It usually starts
KARL
That way. Can you talk a bit more about that?
MELL
Yeah. I think chemsex is a very slow progression, right? It may start with drinking a little bit too much and then going to a hookup party or you know, just using substances here and there where it’s more spread out, right? Like, I’m using meth every once every two months, and then it starts to go to once every month, and then it starts to move into, you know, twice a month. And this progression happens over years, right? And a lot of people don’t think they’re in an addictive cycle because it is so spread out. But if you look at a calendar of your history, you’re actually in the addictive cycle. Just because you’re not a daily user and you know, not on the street shooting up every day doesn’t mean that you’re not addicted to drugs.
KARL
Yeah. Well, look, I can speak from, you know, personal experiences. You know, chemsex certainly made intimacy appear, appear easier and euphoric at least on the surface.
MELL
On the surface, right? But that deep meaningful connection is unavailable if you’re using substances.
KARL
Something I know I’ve said to myself, and I think a lot of people have said, and I’ve heard people say, is, well, meth and sex kept me from having to deal with life. And you know, coming back to that point earlier, you get an HIV diagnosis, the internalized stigma, the external stigma, work, life, everything. Ah, I just want to go right to life. Yeah. And so, you know, I can jump on the pipe and disappear for a couple of days. Right. And I don’t have to deal with it. How does CHEMSEX or PMP actually fuel the self-stigma and that self-loathing at the end of the day?
MELL
Well, I mean, the emotional consequences after use, right? Like despair, guilt, remorse, you know, making up for all of that. You’ve lost in the past four days when you’ve been using and, and you touched on something around HIV, right? And there is a very inclusive, positive culture in Chemsex users. Right. And it, nobody’s asking status. And I mean, nobody’s really talking about any of that in chemsex settings. But what starts to happen, and what I see happen more often than not is people aren’t taking their medications. They’re going off for, you know, four to five days. And it’s not like I just went out, got drunk, and then I forgot to take my meds in the morning. This is like extended periods of times without medication. And whether that’s prep and you, you expose yourself, or whether that’s, you know, current HIV meds, you, you can become treatment resistant. And that’s really dangerous in the chemsex population.
KARL
Yeah. And especially when we are trying to build up the u equals u undetectable equals untransmittable message. Right. But to your point, you know, when I have indulged in these activities, I haven’t eaten for four days, let alone had a glass of water.
MELL
Right. Dehydration is a big thing. Yeah. You know,
KARL
You, you just, everything sort of shuts down in that regard. Right. Fortunately, I remember to take my meds, but you know, everyone’s different. You’ve said that people lose self intimacy when in the throes of drug Yeah. Addiction and self intimacy. It’s so important. Meth, as you’ve said, disables empathy, which is one of the tragic casualties.
MELL
Yeah. Empathy is the way out. Healing is not from here. And when I don’t have access to this, how can I expect myself to heal through empathy or intimacy or connection with another person? And that takes quite some time to come back online, like 30 to 45 days before you start to thaw out and actually have an emotional consciousness again. So it’s not just during use, it’s after use.
KARL
And I don’t think people realize the effect that meth use specifically has on your brain and how your brain works. Yeah, sure. Euphoric and high and whatever, and libido for days. But can you just touch in, in as plain English as possible, what it does to the brain and how long that takes for the brain to recover and heal?
MELL
Oh my goodness. Well, I’m gonna start with the last question first. There have been brain scans on, and this is not chronic meth users. These are people who use like once a month that show your brain doesn’t return to full cognition for about 18 months. Wow. So, and, and that’s just someone who’s using, you know, once a month. The damage that it does in the brain is right on the dopamine receptors. Right. It actually prevents people from feeling oxytocin, which is what bonds us together. That is the connection. That is the intimacy. And there’s a flood of dopamine. And the dopamine receptors become injured because they can’t handle that much dopamine, which we see psychosis, we see psychiatric features. We see, you know, kind of the meth these days is, I wanna call it instant crazy. Like I work with people who present like they’ve been using for 20 years, but they’ve only been using for two. And that’s because meth has changed. It’s not the meth that was here 10 years ago. It has been man manufactured. And it’s called P two P meth. And we’re going from 2008, 30% purity to 2020 3, 24 to hundred percent purity. The brain can’t handle that much.
And then you’ve got fentanyl in the mix too. And
Every single person that I know that has used fentanyl test strips and that is a chronic user, has tested their meth positive for fentanyl.
KARL
What do you think the biggest misconception is about chemsex or party and play? It?
MELL
It’s around the addictive cycle. Absolutely. I’m only using once a month.
KARL
I, yeah, I said that, you know. Yeah. I said, oh, I’ve used it here and there and I I can put it down and walk away from
MELL
It. Yeah. I’m not a daily user, so I’m not, and I’m not addicted to this. Right. Well, if you are have cyclical use, you’re in an addictive cycle.
KARL
When they say to you, well, how will I ever be able to have sober sex?
MELL
This is the biggest question that comes to me. Yes, you will be able to have sober sex. And I’m very honest about it. It is not gonna feel like that feel like that. It will feel much different and it will be on a much deeper, more meaningful level. But it’s gonna take time. Like, you know, the coffee and cigarettes, if I quit cigarettes and I have a cup of coffee in the morning, it’s gonna trigger my desire to have a cigarette. So if you’re, you know, looking at sobriety, you put the substances down. But when you’re looking at chemsex, you need to put both down. There needs to be a period of abstinence. And this is a period of self-inquiry, self-reflection, really an investigation into who you are as a sexual human. Like, and I don’t know that we ask ourselves that a lot. I know my orientation. Right. What I’m attracted to, what I like. Well
KARL
There’s, because there’s stigma around it. Absolutely. And we’ve think, we’ve grown up to be told that’s dirty and we don’t talk about sex. Right. And so we’ve gotta, I say this all the time on plus on plus life, we have to normalize the conversations around sex. Yes. And celebrate sex. Yes. We’re all here because people had sex. Yeah,
MELL
That’s right. That’s absolutely right. Right. And it is a celebration. But if you’ve just been moving from a blueprint that’s been kind of handed down through a community that has a lot of unresolved trauma, that’s kind of being projected and then replayed and not giving yourself the time to really explore what you like, what gets you off? Like what are your fantasies outside of chemicals, what are you really looking for? And how do you wanna be in the world as a sexual human? And that falls in line with AIDS and HIV, right? Yeah. Like HIV awareness. Okay, great. Start talking to people more about it. Be more open in the conversation about it. I think that we still kind of shuffle this away in a dark corner somewhere. And I’m really happy that plus life is here having these conversations. ’cause we need to talk about it.
KARL
Well Mell McCracken, thank you for making the time. It’s such an important topic. It is an epidemic, isn’t it?
MELL
Absolutely. I, I think this is our biggest crisis that’s facing our community today. Wow. And it’s under talked about because of stigma, shame, and marginalization.
KARL
And we are all about throwing stigma and shame out the window here at Plus life. Yeah. Thank you for making the time. Yeah, pleasure. If you want more information about what we’ve talked about today, we’re gonna put some links up, especially in how you can connect with people. If you think maybe this is something I wanna have a bigger conversation with, we’ll make sure there’s links below so you’ve got resources. That is gonna do it for this episode of Plus Talk. Thanks for watching. Thanks for making the time. Remember, you can follow us across social media platforms we are at plus Life media. Until next time, be nice to everyone, but importantly, be nice to yourself. We’ll see you soon.