Can HIV be sexy? Karl sits with America’s Sexologist, Dr. Sonjia Kenya.
The following is a transcript between Dr. Sonjia and Karl.
SONJIA
I think you can make almost anything sexy and sensual.
KARL
Hello there, welcome to “Plus Talk on Plus Live” where we’re all about turning positive into a plus. Can HIV be sexy? How do you make it sexy? Well, Dr. Sonjia is here. She is an Ivy League trained sexologist, professor of medicine at the University of Miami, and a bestselling author, and a whole lot of things that makes her the authority on being able to talk about turning HIV into sexy. How are you Doc?
SONJIA
I’m doing great. How are you today? Thank you so much for having me.
Karl
I’m so glad you are here, and that we are talking about this, because, let’s be honest, HIV, not always a sexy topic, but it’s important that those of us living with HIV, somehow figure out that we can still be sexy, we can still enjoy sex, and that it’s really healthy and important to. Let’s kick it off with, how do you turn disclosing your HIV status? How can you make that sexy? Can you?
SONJIA
I think you can make almost anything sexy and sensual. If I were to say, “would you have unprotected sex with me, without knowing my status?” That gives me a way to know about your sex risk behaviors. Because, if you’re the type of person who is willing to have unprotected sex with me, without knowing my status, maybe you’re not the person I wanna be having sex with. That’s one. But, I think anytime you can engage someone in an intellectually-focused sexual conversation, it can be sexy. Like, “what could we do with each other, to turn each other on, and not increase our risk for HIV? Can you think of something fun we might do tonight?”
Karl
I mean, are you asking me, because I’ve, I could think of several things. I like that. I like that approach. I mean, look, I know I’ve been in a situation, you know, more than once, where you don’t necessarily know if you go on a first date or something with somebody, where this is gonna lead, right? And, a lot of us living with HIV go, “I don’t need to talk about my HIV status if we’re just gonna meet for drinks.” And then, you meet for drinks and it goes well, and then maybe you meet for dinner, and it goes well, and then you have a third meeting, and you still haven’t talked about it. And now, it starts to get a bit sexy. It can be really intimidating for the person living with HIV because you’re like, “Now am I a liar? Have I not told, have I not disclosed? And, is this person now gonna get mad at me?
SONJIA
Absolutely. I think it’s scary to disclose anything. I’ve, you know, HIV, as we know, is a chronic manageable condition, but so many people aren’t aware of how HIV has really transformed over the last couple of decades. So, it’s scary because you don’t know if they know that people aren’t, with HIV, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to die, necessarily, or even get sick. It doesn’t mean that someone without HIV is gonna be able to outlive them just because they don’t have HIV. And, I think it’s important before that third date. I love how you say the third date, ’cause that’s like the sex date, right? Like, eh, by the third date.
KARL
I mean, look, everyone’s different. Sometimes it happens right away, sometimes it doesn’t.
SONJIA
I think it’s important before you become intimate with someone, if you’re really focused on experiencing your optimal pleasure, you kind of wanna know how they feel about a lot of social issues. For example, I wouldn’t want to take my clothes off if they voted for certain people for president, you know, whereas some other people, that might not impact their decision to get in bed with someone. So, if I knew someone had certain prejudices, I probably wouldn’t wanna get naked with them anyway. So, it is a difficult situation, but I think that we can gauge it in different ways. Like, “Hey, did you know.” One of my opening lines in the studies that I do, here in Miami is, “Hey, did you know that you have, you can have sex without a condom and not get HIV?” And, that immediately engages people to wanna talk to me more, like, “Really?” And, that gives me an opportunity to talk about being undetectable. How, if you’re undetectable, you’re untransmittable, it gives me a chance to talk about PREP, how, and it gives me a chance to talk about PEP. So, I think before that discussion, those might be some good entry level questions to ask before, and if someone’s, like, “No, there’s no way you can have sex with someone, you know, without a condom, and not get HIV, or it’ll give you,” someone might say something that will let you know, “You know what, this isn’t a safe space for me to disclose. This probably isn’t a person who I want to become intimate with,” because they might have some preconceived notions that you just don’t wanna fight against in order, you know, to get down. And, I think those are some of the more important questions you wanna ask. How do, is this person, do they have an open mind? Are they willing to learn? Are they progressive? Are they an ally for people like me? And, if they’re not an ally for people like me, I wouldn’t wanna have sex with them.
KARL
And, by the way, a lot of those attributes you talk about, I personally find quite sexy in a person if they are open-minded. And, if they are, you know, nice like that. Shifting gears a little bit, talking about oneself, and making oneself feel sexy. You know, you don’t necessarily have to have to have HIV to, for a lot of us to go, “I don’t like the way I look. I don’t feel like a very sexy person.” We, most of us have some kind of body hangup we don’t like about ourselves. But, you throw HIV on top of that, when you get an HIV diagnosis. What are maybe some tips or advice you have for people who are living with HIV who, who really, that weighs on them, and they go, “I don’t feel sexy. I’m never gonna feel sexy.” I guess what I’m asking is, help me feel sexy, doctor. How do I make myself start to feel sexy again?
SONJIA
Right. You wanna do things for yourself where you actually feel like, “I like myself.” And, sometimes it’s an outer body experience. For example, yesterday I took myself to a spa to get a foot massage, right? I did that for me. I would love it if someone planned that for me, and took me on a date to do that. But, I don’t always have that opportunity. So, what would Sanjaya do for herself, if Sanjaya? I, this would be my perfect afternoon Monday, afternoon date. So, I do it for myself, and I feel good about living a life and doing things for myself, that make me feel better. So, I think one strategy, and a key strategy, is taking care of yourself to the point where, like, I really am doing the best by myself. I’m doing the best for Sanjaya that I can do. And, when you do that, and then you’re like, “Well, and what if I still don’t feel sexy?” Maybe I could do some work in the gym so I fit into the black jeans that I wanna fit into. Because that’s really the only reason why we should all do abs, right, so we can fit into our tight black jeans? And, then that’s another way to feel sexy. And also, looking for role models. Someone who might be in a situation that’s similar, who was able to find a sensual, fulfilling, satisfying, sexual partner, sexual relationship. And, that is what gives us hope, because I think we do all, regardless of whatever your health situation is, there’s a level of faith and hope that we bring into our dating experiences that, like, I hope I find someone who thinks I’m great. I hope I find someone who I’m really attracted to. And, I think those are the things you can do. But, when you don’t feel good about the way you’re taking care of yourself, when you’re eating a box of chocolates that you know you shouldn’t be eating, when you’re having too much alcohol, that you know the next day you’re gonna wake up and you’re not feeling good, when you skipped another day at the gym, those are things that you do, that’re actually self-defeating behaviors. You’re not really giving yourself a break. You’re giving yourself a reason to break down. And, I think, you know, a personal motto, discipline or disappointment, and I know a lot of people have said that, but if you can be disciplined enough to do the things that make you feel like your best self. So, when you’re like, “This is the best Sanjaya walking into this room,” everyone else senses that energy. Everyone feels it, you know? Especially people who don’t feel good about themselves, ’cause you bring that out in them.
KARL
You’re bringing out that energy. Last question, in the few seconds I’ve got left with you. Just how good is sex for our health?
SONJIA
Sex is so good for our health. Not only do you end up healthier, you will also end up wealthier. And, who doesn’t want money and sex, right? But, you’re gonna reduce your risk for metabolic problems, like cardiovascular disease, diabetes. And, we know that people who are living with HIV actually have an increased risk for cardiovascular problems. So, it’s really, really important to your health. And also, that social interaction that you get from sex, having sex with another person does extraordinary things for releasing that, those feel good hormones, which is also why you should go to the gym, because you release the exact same hormones when you go for the, when you go to the gym, which is why you never leave the gym, and say, “Damn, I wish I didn’t do that.” You know? You’re probably more likely to say that after sex.
KARL
Depending on who it was with! Release those endorphins. Dr. Sanjaya, I wish we had more time. We’re gonna have to have a follow up session down the line about this, ’cause you are fantastic. Thank you for your time.
SONJIA
Thank you, Karl. Have a great day.
KARL
That’s gonna do it for this episode of “Plus Talk.” If you want more information, check out the website, pluslifemedia.com. We’ll also put up all of Dr. Sanjay’s social info there. Check her out across her social platforms. She has great messages all the time. Until next time, be nice to one another. If you can, get laid. We’ll see you soon. Bye-Bye.